Dear Asshole Who Stole My Shit,
First of all, thank you for relieving me of my wallet, my camera, and Liz’s iPod. All three items were due for an upgrade anyways.
Second of all – are you blind? Because apparently you didn’t notice the kick-ass lobster tie, the bag of sour patch kids, or the $1,000 worth of lighting equipment that you left behind. Seriously, lobsters are sweet and sour patch kids are the shit. What were you thinking?
The thing that upsets me the most is that you smoked in my car, dick. Or maybe you didn’t and “smokey douche-bag” is just the natural scent that you leave behind. Either way, my car smells like shit now, you stinky fuck.
And I hope you’re comfortable with your sexuality – because you stole a pink iPod. Homo.
I can’t believe you haven’t even filled up your tank on my credit card yet. Unless of course you don’t have a car … which I suppose is quite likely being the second-rate bum that you are.
If you’re smart enough to figure out how to turn my camera on, I hope you enjoy my family photos. If I’d have known you were going to steal it, I’d have taken a picture of my balls, so you could lick their digital representation.
I hope you plan to donate the proceeds of your thievery to cancer research – because you’re going to get it.
Thanks again for the inconvenience,
Incidentally, if anyone comes across a Nikon D70 with a Tokina 12-24mm wide angle lens on it – let me know.