The time is finally upon us, my fellow festival fanatics, for the greatest festival of all time: The Bradford Pumpkin Festival! Join me this Saturday evening (October 13th) from 5PM to 11PM for an evening of confetti chucking carnage!
Admission is free, parking is free, and the confetti is cheap (like $1 or $2 a bag). In addition to throwing confetti at strangers, you can enjoy all the standard festival elements as well: deep fried food, live local music, games, rides, and carnies!
I strongly urge you to do whatever you must to make it to this event. Call in sick, get a baby sitter, or even better – bring your child along and use them as a meat shield! Whatever you do, don’t miss the city-wide confetti fight in Bradford!
Here are a few guidelines for maximum safety and enjoyment at The Bradford Pumpkin Festival:
1. First and foremost, be cool and have a positive attitude. Realize that you are going to a massive confetti fight, and participate willingly. If you do not want to throw confetti or have confetti thrown at you, go on No Confetti Night, which is Wednesday the 10th (ya big pansy).
2. Bring protective eye wear. Whether it is sunglasses, ski goggles, or a welding helmet, make sure you’ve got something to protect your eyes. Unless your blink reflex is super-human, it’s darn near inevitable that you will get a piece of confetti in your eye. And that’s ten minutes of tears while your friend scratches at your cornea that I don’t want to see you go through.
3. Keep your mouth shut. If you suspect someone is about to deliver a fist full of confetti to your foolish face, lock it up like you’ve got untreated rabies. Otherwise that’ll be ten more terrible minutes of coughing, gagging, and spitting up tiny circles of paper that I don’t want to see you go through either.
4.Do NOT pick confetti up off the ground! There will be mounds of it everywhere and the temptation will be almost overwhelming, but I cannot stress enough that you should NOT throw confetti that you have scooped up off the floor. People spit on the ground and there are rocks on the ground, and you don’t want to mistakenly throw either at your fellow festival friends.
5. Once again, BE COOL. Don’t be malicious, don’t pick on people, and don’t talk trash. This isn’t generally an issue for most people, but every year there’s at least one guy that’s picking on someone’s girlfriend, and another guy that’s “defending” his girlfriend with a bit too much enthusiasm. These two tend to start yelling at each other and are eventually escorted out of the festival by the authority figures before they come to blows. Don’t be either guy. Be nice, be respectful, and have fun! If someone schools you with a well timed toss, congratulate them. Then skillfully, and humbly, own their face on the next pass.
The Bradford Pumpkin Festival is a truly unique and wonderful event. Follow these guidelines and your experience will be a safe and thoroughly enjoyable one.
It’s that time of the year again folks for an old JesusSaveZ event favorite: 
